Randomness: Crying for a tear...

"What have I become? my sweetest friend/everyone I know/goes away in the end/you could have it all/my empire of dirt/I will let you down/I will make you hurt"
Hurt
Johnny Cash.

Tonight I craved for a drop of tear. I FELT like a stupid packaged commodity that has no emotions. Cannot cry,think,laugh or smile. I fear that I would not be able to cry when all but me is left alone on the beach of desolation.But WHY??? I gave all my tears to you, Do you remember?
8th Nov 2008
2:25 AM
Calcutta.

Poesy!!!

The Serpent
Slither like a snake,On your back.

Hiss your fears away,

Pour affectionate venom On your lips

And then die Die.

If you say…

And you have always

Charmed me with your tongue

Did you not know that I love you?

‘Love You’?

Don’t know the right words

So that will have to do for now

I am just a serpent,

What else can I do!?
1:20 AM 20th May 2008 Calcutta.

Conversations
Receive.
Perceive.
Realize.
Re-realize.
The words copulate uncannily
With each other.
This gives birth to you and me.
The renewed me and you.
Dreams are made.
Reality shatters.
The world sleeps.
Stars cry.
Words still copulate.
Reproduction?
Recreation?
Re\destruction/?
I don’t know.
Neither do you.
Even the words do not know.
They just copulate!
1:28 AM, 21st September 21, 2008-Calcutta.

Letter
Soul-searching through ink and paper.
Soul-revaluating through ink and paper.
Soul-absorbing through ink and paper.
Produce.
Dispose.
Produce again.
Produce thousands of non similar shadows.
Then choose perfection and let it fly.
It grows old soon.
Did it reach on time?
To the right person?
To the right ‘you’?
Soon they gather dust.
Metamorphoses into little paper boats
Or insignificant paper bags.
Memory weeps in a darkened corner
Flowers are all wilted.
And you?
You try creating another one
With your now feeble hands.

1: 53 AM 21st September 2008-Calcutta.

Dissolved 3

11:00 PM Now

Another hour and I bid farewell to yet another year and become older by another year. Is this a process that never ends? Should you be stagnant with your childhood and soak in salvation or do you proceed into the room full of responsibilities that age offers you? I really don’t know. I guess no one does.

12:30 AM Later Now

Yay! Happy Birthday to me!! ‘She’ called up and wished…She’s now looking for another guy…Hah! Three plus years weren’t perfect? Great! Why? No answer? Screw it..(wish I could man. wish I could..)

2:00 AM Some where in time

Today was world music day. This is to celebrate the phenomenal power that music provides us with. I mean it sure has helped me face misery in an epoch of distrust and insanity. Whatever, had two days that can be best termed as unsatisfying and pathetic. I again had that vision about my unicorns, Purple candy, Green butterflies, Candy rainbows and as usual Shiuli standing among them. This vision is addictive and I love it. I guess this is how LSD feels man.

S-H-U-L-I……………………I wrote in my diary. I tried out several fonts to write this humble yet amazingly special moniker. Love? Obsession? Crush? All three I guess! LOC!!

Dissolved 2

5:05 AM Yesterday

I am sure by now you all have realized that I am an avid insomniac. Judging by the timings that precede each paragraph, I hope you all know that I cannot sleep at night. People call it a disease too, and then what is sadism? Masochism? I don’t quite know and I don’t quite care!

3: 19 AM Now

“Like the other day
I thought you won't be coming back
I came to realize my lackluster dreams...”

Lift-Poets of the Fall.

These lines appealed a LOT to me. So much that I hummed these precious few lines at least ten times after hearing the entire song. But was I wrong to have dreamt of ‘you’? If you choose to NOT stay with me and prefer some one else’s affection, what can I do. Screw off. Let me dream again. Unicorns, Purple candy, Green butterflies, Candy rainbows…….Shiuli. No she is more than a dream for me……She defines herself.

Dissolved

Chapter X- Timelines

9:34 PM. Yesterday

My name is K. Hold on a sec before you accuse me of any overt Kafkaesque indulgence. Hey can’t a guy be called K? Which age are we living in? I thought it was the name that makes the man, or was it the reverse? Whatever be the case, yes I am K. Now that you already have started reading these lines don’t stop now. Proceed please.

I am a postgraduate student currently working as a freelance writer. I did actually try working in one of those what you call the ‘Corporate Sectors’ but it didn’t work out. May be because I was too stubborn to listen to whatever crap my superiors asked me to do, may be because I always have been claustrophobic about a typical office space or may be because I find the entire corporate lifestyle utterly mechanical and rhythm less.

I was born about 23 years back in an upper middle class family from Calcutta (yes I stick to Calcutta) and I have had excellent parenting something that I am proud of. I read a lot, write and interact. I play the guitars and also front a thrash metal outfit. I used to ‘believe’ in God about 15 years back; I became an affirmed atheist when Poops died and people consoled me by saying that he went to God. Poops was my puppy; my innocent, cute little 3 month old puppy.

Love? Umm... Yes I was in love. I actually thought of something that you think too, a decent pay package, a yellow flat and most importantly a family. Thought. I still love; I still fantasize like a little runt in a candy shop. Feels nice. Hold on! This is the most directionless story you have read, right? I mean why the hell would you want to know about some obscure 23 year old? Well, stop reading then!

Coming back to love, every time I see Shiuli my neighbor I feel nice, almost like the aforementioned little runt who now finally has managed a piece of candy! I want to hear her breathing, her moaning, her cries, her smiles, her…We have never talked, I don’t know why. I am quite a chatterbox but when it comes to her I become numb and almost enter a bloody shell and embrace denial. We often share glances. Well she does the sharing part; all I can do is look at her face almost like a cryogenic misfit. ‘Expressionless freak’ I am sure she thinks me to be!

12:56 AM. Today

I suddenly woke up. Couldn’t sleep, all I could do was toss my torso all over the bed. I had this weird urge to release…Feels good now! I often think about this and this time it wasn’t an exception. I know we are all part of this ‘pig society’ and just a handful realize the confirmed vulgarity of this pitiful sick forum made of innumerable pieces of flesh and blood. But can’t we change anything? Can’t we change each other? Can’t WE change? It enrages me and I scream like a lunatic. The scream gradually sinks back in my throat and sort of warns me by making my throat waterless. Does Shiuli realize what I realize? Is she too pretty to be a pig? Would you EVER trade bullets for blood? Damnit! So many questions, is the answer blowing in the wind? Dylan where are you now?

2:40 AM The Day after Tomorrow

I tried weed for the first time. It’s pathetic, Ugh! I am still coughing my ass off. Thank goodness my parents are off to Delhi for my cousin’s marriage else my mother would frantically run into my room and enquire. “Marriage is a social ceremony that joins two families” I read that in some social studies book when I was in Std Four. “Marriage is something that is more like sleeping with a slut for the rest of your life” that was the opinion of my friend Naveen. I don’t believe in any one of those definitions. I never did believe in marriage then I wanted to and now I don’t quite know. What does Shiuli think?

4:10 AM Today

I realized I ‘suffer’ from MPD that’s Multiple Personality Disorder for the uninitiated. The word ‘suffer’ is within the confines of a bracket as I don’t quite think it to be a suffering. I feel the unicorns and my envisioned rainbows running away from me and I am reduced to nothingness, YET at the same time I feel that there’s a drop of rain specially created for me. That certain humble piece of rain equates salvation. Is that Shiuli?